Do you realize how much this costs YOU?
The sad thing is that there are enough stupid people in the world that even the most absurd scam works on a few of them.
The latest seems to be the "penis enlargement pill". Just take a few pills, and your penis will grow 3" and twice as fat in no time at all.... or so it says. The pill is the brainchild of a professional scammer named Shane Atkinson, of Christchurch, England. Of course it ridiculous, but Atkinson has a network of spammers who send up to 100 million emails a day, and all it takes is a couple of fools to buy pills for $69 and he's made a profit.
Atkinson, and others like him, could care less if they flood your mailbox with garbage, or that they are clogging the internet with their crap, or that they drive up the cost of your internet service. He's making a nice living off of the stupidity of those who are suckered into his schemes.
Which is why you still get solicitations from the relatives of dead African dictators that promise to make you tens of thousands of dollars just for letting them park some money in your bank account.
And why you will get hundreds of emails promising you lower mortgage rates, dirt cheap theater-sized plasma TVs, and (of course) irresistable sex appeal from a pill or spray. Its the same with telemarketing. It costs next to nothing to pester thousands of people a day, and if just *ONE* has positive results, it makes a profit.
Its all pretty annoying. And while I'm certainly no fan of the spammers and telemarketers, the people who really annoy me are the jackasses who pay the spammer for their pills, or arrange their mortgage through them, or even donate to a recognized charity as a result of their solicitations - whether on line or on the telephone. Every time anyone does anything to benefit one of these creeps, they make it more profitable for the spammer/telemarketer and the rest of us get more crap as a result.
If you're determined to be a jackass who buys ridiculous junk, stick the print advertisements. There are enough of those. My own mother bought a piece of plastic to stick in her ear that was guaranteed to cause her to lose weight. Only if you eat through your ear, Mom. My boyfirend wants to buy a magnetic bracelet to cure his "arthritus". Well, besides the fact that he is 26 and doesn't have arthritus, buying a magnetic bracelet isn't going to cure anything. (What is it about magnets, anyway? Magnetic effects are so powerful that they can do almost anything!!)
The big difference is that print advertisers pay for their own distribution, and would-be buyer choose what they read. In the case of telemarketers, the recipient has a tough time avoiding the sales pitch. And with the spammers, recipients even pay the bill for distribution.
So, here are some print ads to laugh at.
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Lets start with something dumb for your cell phone. Everyone wants better range. So, we must begin with assumption that the cell phone manufacturers and service providers deliberately design phones with limited range that could easily be extended, just to make their products worse. This provides the opportunity for other people to easily find ways to improve the range with clever devices that the manunfacturer and service provider refuse to include. In this case, its a sticky-back piece of plastic with a geometric pattern printed in gold on an inner layer. Hmmm. Sure - just look at the possible benefits claimed. Pretty stupid of the manufacturer not to print the design on the case, if that's all it takes to get 50% increased range. |
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Ah.. Perhaps you DID buy the item above, and are now worried that your super-powered cell phone will irradiate you with possibly harmful eletromagnetic radiation. Its a little hard to follow the gobbledygook pseudo-science, but somehow the electromagnetic radiation creates positive ions which somebody has said might be harmful. The solution? Why, *another* sticky-back piece of plastic, this time claimed to produce a constant stream of negative ions which will somehow block the harmful emissions (called "signal"). Not only that, but it cleans the air of nasty *positive* ions as well!! WOW! All of this is well enough, but it gets even better - since the device is supposedly powered *by humidity* !!! Oh yeah... I'm gonna rush out and get me a dozen four-packs to stick all over my PC, since its generating a million times more electromagnetic radiation that my silly little cell phone!! |
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With gas prices going up all the time, how can you NOT want *this* choice item?
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Of course, you have to believe that all the automobile makers are conspiring to make vehicles that guzzle more gas than necessary, since this little item could be easily clamped on the fuel line and add almost nothing to the price of the car. Through the magic of "neodymium conductors" - whatever the hell those are supposed to be - (yellow plastic?) - all your little fuel molecules will line up in neat rows on their way to your engine.
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| Now, even if you *believe* the "certified principle of magnetic resonance" (yes, *it* is certified, but not the rest of the bullshit..) will cause the powerful neodymium to line up all your little molecules, you also have to come up with your own explanation for why that will give you 27% better mileage and reduce emissions by 42%. Even the seller couldn't come up with an explanation for that.. I guess he ran out of LSD. | |
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Another one! No magic "neodymium", but the "magnetic technology" in this costs more than three times as much, so it MUST work, right? Lets see..... this time, the little gas molecules are going to be broken up from their little "clusters" so that they will each enter the cylinders with lots of elbow room, and therefore the little oxygen guys will get to them faster and they will burn better. But gee whiz... $179 for only "up to" 6-18% better gas mileage (or "down to" 0%, of course), and the magic yellow neodymium above will give me 27%, according to a certified EPA laboratory. (I wonder what "EPA" stands for, and what they were certified for? Fraud??) Well, even so, it seems to me that I could find a couple magnets to strap on my fuel line for less than $179. That should break up my fuel clusters just as well. Even if these things worked, I'd have to purchase at least $3400 in clumpy fuel just to break even on my $179 investment. And I'd like to know how, IF maybe these things magnetized the fuel so the little molecules move away from each other, how it is they wouldnt *also* repel little oxygen guys? I wont lose any sleep over it, thats for sure... :-) Maybe it only works on *green* fuel. The picture is prettier than the neodymium... |
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This next one is actually one of my favorites. I mean magic gas mileage enhancers have been around for a long time, but remote controlled camp lanterns?????
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| I want to see the outdoorsman who needs a remote control for his lantern. Does he also pack a TV, CD, and DVD player? Perhaps I can find him a Universal Remote with an option for "camp lantern" on the buttons. I hope it includes a dimmer switch. |
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Now, at first, without my glasses and looking at the picture from a distance, I thought this was an ad for some pretty ugly shoes. (You know, the kind of thing they offer in that macho clothing catalogue for stylist "straight" people, "International Male".) But, no, these things are *cars*. Well, sorta. Classified as motorcycles officially. They ARE sure to draw attention. But "as you pass through traffic"? With a top speed of 70mph, that sure isnt very likely in my area. More probably, the rest of the traffic will be zipping by (or over) me. And then there's the range... "up to" 40-60 miles. Lets assume the low end of the range, and then note that it takes 6 hours to recharge the little beasty. OK, so we're good for a trip to the nearest grocery store. Better bring a long extenison cord. It says it seats ONE. I wonder if there's *room* for groceries? I want one! I can get matching shoes from International Male, too! Won't that be butch?!?!?! |
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| Ohmygosh! I spoke too soon earlier..... Here it is! The ultimate portable camp accessory... For those who don't *quite* want to "get away from it all". |
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| Well, I don't see any mention of a DVD player or remote control. And no electric heater/vibrator for the portable waterbed? Obviously, Coleman has missed the mark on this one! It also doesnt seem too clever to aim the spot light directly at the TV viewer...but then, it doesnt seem all that clever to combine a flashlight, siren, and TV in one package anyway.... like, wouldnt they be a lot more convenient as *separate* pieces?? | |
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Now, this is one item that probably *will* work...sorta. Its just that most people actually come in out of the rain, rather than create their own.
My biggest laugh was the techno-garble in the advertisement, suggesting that you are actually "air-conditionning". In my lexicon, "air-conditionning" means a compressor and heat exchanger. This item is a fan that sprays water. And if you really want to do that, you can use any fan and a $12 "mister" nozzle on your garden hose. The evaporation can lower air temperature in the immediate area, at the expense of raising the humidity, of course. But if it *isn't* 120 degrees and dry as a bone, dont expect much evaporation. You plants will love it, though. They also say it *may* reduce airborne dust and repell bugs. Well, duh! Water and dirt makes mud, not dust, and many bugs are pretty smart for their size. :-) | |
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